I hate myself for writing this, but I was bored and had nothing else to do. So here we go. Phone calls vs. Messaging.

 

Situation: Asking for contact information.

Phone call: Awkward, possibly months-long dance around “Can I have your number?”

Messaging: No worries, just exist on social media. Happy messaging!

Awkward people can relate. Thank God for social media.

Situation: Initiating contact with person (possibly your crush).

Phone call: Awkward, possibly months-long dance around “Should I call him? Should I not call him? Is he going to think I’m a weird crazy stalker whom he can’t get rid of?”

Once you do call:

You: Hey.

Person: Hey, ‘sup?

You: Oh, nothing much.

Person: Cool.

You: Okay, so, bye?

Person: Yeah, buhbye.

Messaging: Internal debate only lasts a maximum of twenty four hours. Contact initiation comes with several different options, illustrated with examples as follows.

Option A: Get a close mutual friend to start a massive group chat. Conversation occurs naturally.

Friend: Hey, everybody, I just wanted to invite everyone to my house party this weekend! This way, I don’t miss anybody. Feel free to mingle and get to know each other! ^_^

There you go.

-Option B: Pretend you accidentally messaged them.

You: Oh my God, did you hear about the thing with the stuff and the people over by the thing?

Person you’re stalking: Um..

You: Oh, I am so sorry. I was just texting my friend and I think I might have messed up. Sorry. My bad. Anyway, I’m <insert name>

Person you’re stalking: Lol, it’s cool, nice to meet you. I’m <insert name, which you already know, you stalker>

(Idea courtesy of a friend with experience)

-Option C: Boring route. Direct conversation.

You: Heyy, so we met the other day at the party? How’re you doing?

Person: Oh, hey, it’s so nice to talk to you again! I’ve been well, you?

Situation: You and your friend are going to a party. Four hours before the event, you need to cancel.

Phone call: Your friend is more than likely too busy getting ready for the biggest party of the year, and is not going to answer for the first five times you call. The sixth time, she picks up.

You: Hey, Abigail, I can’t make it tonight. I’m so sor-

Friend: What do you mean, you can’t make it?! You couldn’t have told me before? Who am I going to go with now? I can’t find someone else this late! Oh my God, I hate you!

Messaging: Your friend is not happy when she gets the text. But..

You: Hey, Abigail, I can’t make it tonight. I am so sorry.

Friend: What do you mean, you can’t make it?! You couldn’t have told me before? Who am I going to go with now? I can’t find someone else this late! Oh my God, I hate you!

Okay, regardless of the means of communication, there is no possible way this particular scenario will change. You do not cancel on your friend four hours before a party. You just don’t. The best you can get is the fact that you won’t have to actually listen to her shrieking her way through your eardrums, if you resort to texting her.

Small mercies.

Situation: You went out to buy groceries, walked into a dark alley because you felt adventurous, and you got mugged and shot. No sign of life exists within the alley, and no one can hear your screams.

Phone call: Probably won’t save your life anytime soon.

You: *static* Cal-*car horn*Ambu- *children yelling*

Person: What? I can’t hear you! Louder please?

You: I’m *fireworks* dyi-

Person: Hello? Hello?

You: ….

Person: Huh. Weird. *hangs up*

There’s also the good chance they’re not even going to pick up.

 

Messaging:  One group message will ensure you a fighting chance.

You: *turns on location* People, I’m dying. Send help.

At least one person: Oh my God, okay.

And you live to see another miserable day.

And that is why I will never call anyone if I have another option. Feel free to hate me for writing this. Thank you for reading anyway. Have a good day.

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